Sailing Home

Worth Living Ambassador Beca Wilson

“My name is Beca Wilson. I have a loving and supportive boyfriend, who is my lighthouse; always guiding me back home. I have three fur-babies, who bring me so much joy and are the best cuddlers. I have Bipolar Disorder type II, but I hate labels. I am a lover of all things light and am hoping to inspire some open conversation. No one should ever feel alone in a world with 7 billion people.”

Dear 21 year old Beca,
First off, please remember that you are still young and you still have so much to see in this world. You are by no means “stuck” and patience is something you would do well to learn. Second, and probably more important, don’t push Kody away. He is going to wipe a lot of your tears. He is going to be your best friend and at times, your only one. He is going to try his damnedest to make you happy, cut him some slack sometimes He is trying. He is going to make a lot of mistakes, but he is human and so are you. Please, please, remember that he loves you so much.
Sincerely,
25 year old Beca

 
When I first met my boyfriend 4 years ago, mental health was the last thing on my mind. I was falling in love for what seemed like the first time. He was new. He was funny. I wanted to get lost in his eyes. We did, in fact, quickly fall in love.  I could tell you the moment I knew I was hopelessly smitten, but that is a story for another time.

 
We began to build a beautiful life together. We adopted our second dog, Jet. We bought our house. We got our third baby, Rush. We went on countless adventures, some just down the street and others countries away. We were the best of friends and life was going pretty well. Of course, there were hiccups and some heartbreak, but we loved each other and wanted nothing more than to share our lives together.

In January of this year, I began to question my mental health once again. I had always known that I was “different”, I was the feeler.  Actually, I had a family member once tell me they couldn’t be bothered to spend any more time with me because I am “too emotional” and I cry too much. It was like I walked around either feeling way too much or not nearly enough.

Kody and I were in Mexico for a 2 week holiday last January and I had a panic attack. That was the day that I finally spoke the words to Kody that I think something is “wrong with me” and that I think I need to see my doctor because I was starting to lose control.  Let me tell you, that first visit to my family doctor did not go well. There was a lot of shaming and I left his office crying. There is more to that story, maybe for another time.

The second visit didn’t go any better. He was not helpful. He did not suggest any direction really, good or bad. I was just left with “Well, you are obviously depressed” and forced to sort out the rest for myself. I felt helpless; I felt hopeless; I felt alone.

Kody tried his hardest to be there for me. He was always supporting me and encouraged me to seek another “opinion”. Essentially, find someone who will help me. I, on the other hand, was not doing well. I was lashing out at Kody because how could he possibly understand? I really began to withdraw from everyone. I no longer wanted to spend time outside of my house unless necessary. I really only left the house for work or grocery shopping. I stopped showering, which was not my best moments. All of the withdrawing did not help my self-esteem and I honestly began to resent Kody.  As my world seemed to be shrinking away (which was my own doing), he was still leading a happy and healthy life. I was mad! How was this fair?

A little tidbit before we go much further:  life isn’t fair. Life owes us nothing. We have to take each struggle and battle we are given in stride and in the end, it won’t matter that it wasn’t fair. All that will matter is that we survived. Back to my story, so my life was in a tailspin. I was losing grip on my life. I was stinky.  My boyfriend was trying. He would draw me baths that I would never get into. He would ask me what he could do and I would yell at him that there was nothing he could possibly do! He would encourage me to go to the gym to help blow off some steam and I would cry because I thought he was calling me fat and attacking me. Really, the guy couldn’t do anything right in my books and I was driving a giant wedge between us.

Beginning of May, I finally reached out and found a new doctor. Now, let me tell you before we go too much further, I am thankful for her almost daily. She is one of the most compassionate and caring women I have ever met.  She was very open with me about how I can go about managing my depression and anxiety. She actually listened and I felt heard. I was not crazy!!!  I had finally found someone who was putting their faith in me and backing me.

 
Things were starting to look up, I began to shower again (not everyday… but progress is progress!). I started to see a Mental Health Counsellor who I have learned so much from and I look forward to our bi-weekly talks. He is a life jacket on the stormy days. In the meantime, as I thought I was making tremendous leaps and bounds, tragedy struck my  relationship with Kody. I am not going to go into details, because quite frankly, the details mean very little in the big picture.  Our relationship hit some rocks and our ship was taking on water quickly. It was in those moments that I decided I wanted to die. I no longer wanted to be on a world where I didn’t have Kody.

I am not going to go into my suicide attempts right now. I am going to save that for another post. I will tell you though, I am still coping. I am still learning to be “okay” with it. It is now forever apart of my story and I feel no shame about it. It has shaped me into who I am now and I honestly would never change that for anything. It is still sometimes something that pops up in my mind and I get scared, but luckily I have a fantastic support system.

It took me a few months to realize how my suicide attempts affected Kody. In those months, it was all about me: Does Beca feel safe? Does Beca want to die today? Does Beca have an appointment today? Is Beca sleeping too much? Are Beca’s medications working? Does Beca need to slow down? I think I got sucked into the idea that only I was affected  by this. I was the one who wanted to die, no one else was hurt. It took me a few months to realize that Kody blamed himself.

When Kody and I had finally reached our limit one night and were yelling and screaming at each other, it came out. There was a moment of silence where it sank in for both of us what he just said. I cried. I cried for a long time because I realized how selfish I had been in our relationship. I was not being a very good girlfriend. We are supposed to be a team, but instead, I was relying on him for love and support but I wasn’t giving it in return. That day was the day our relationship shifted once again. It was the day that we both realized how much of a team we are. We both need each other, for different things, but nonetheless, we need each other.

I wish I could say our relationship is perfect and that we communicate well all the time and that we never fight.  The truth though is that sometimes we don’t communicate at all. Sometimes we just can’t seem to get the correct words out  for whatever reason.  We take a timeout at those moments and go our separate ways to re-group to then come back and try again. It takes a few timeouts at times but we never give up on each other. Our relationship is not always pretty and angels do not sing our names but we are still as much in love with each other as we were when we first met. I get lost sometimes, but I always find my way back to shore thanks to my lighthouse.

“Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better.” – Unknown

You can follow my personal blog at www.diaryofa20somethingnormalgirl.wordpress.com