Month: March 2017

Worth Living Ambassador Kadence Jade

My name is Kadence.

I am a mother.

I am a daughter.

I am a sister.

I am a friend.

I am kind.

I am smart.

I am beautiful.

I am thoughtful.

I am generous.

I am adventurous.

I am so many things.

I also happen to be Bipolar.

I had the pleasure of getting in touch with Keith a couple of weeks ago, via instagram. I run an account that supports mental health, in particular Bipolar, but a lot of the content applies to other illnesses as well. When he asked me if I would like to be a part of Worth Living, I was honored. I was also very excited when asked me to write a blog post and here it is!

I have to admit, writing this post was a bit difficult for me, for a number of reasons, the main reason being I was unsure of what I wanted to focus on, content wise. I actually found I had too many ideas, and had a lot of trouble organizing all of my thoughts and different angles. There is so much to be said about mental health and mental illness. Not everyone wants to talk about it. I find that many people treat it as the elephant in the room. I have found myself treated this way in the past (and present) as well. There is a stigma that comes with mental illness and that’s the cold hard truth. It wasn’t until I attended a bipolar support group the other night that my topic of focus became clear to me: stigma.

During an open discussion, confidentiality was brought up as a topic of conversation. A group member was stressing the importance of confidentiality online, in particular on Facebook. This person was afraid that prospective employers would search his name and see that he had posted in some online Bipolar group and it would deter them from hiring him. Somebody else made a comment that after they had told their coworkers of their illness, one was no longer able to look them in the eye. Unfortunately, this is the world we live in and those fears are not irrational.

It is actually the reason why I don’t use my real name on my instagram account, I prefer to keep it private from family and friends, except a select few. Then I got to really thinking about this and is it right that we have to hide a big part of who we are?  Why should we have to keep our illnesses a secret just because other people are judgmental and ignorant? Maybe we should embrace the fact that we are different, and connect with other people who are as well. I feel like so many people have a skewed image of what someone who has a mental illness is like, wild hair, running around, foaming at the mouth. We are not like that at all.

Living with a mental illness is a daily struggle, even on the days you feel completely fine, you may even forget that you even have a mental illness, until the clock strikes and it is time for you to take your medication. There it is staring you in the face, the meds.

I was first diagnosed as a teen and for many years I denied that my illness was real. After my son was born in 2008, I experienced post partum depression and attempted suicide. I am glad I did not succeed. About six months after that, I was hospitalized again for mania (which is basically when you are “too happy” and out of touch with reality, not sleeping, etc) and upon discharge refused to accept my diagnosis, stopped all meds, and chose to ignore it. Things were good for almost 5 years.

In 2014 I suffered a bad head injury, spun into a depression followed by mania. So, in 2015, when I finally had no choice but to accept the fact that I was indeed ill, I was very embarassed and ashamed. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to who could understand how I was feeling, what I’d gone through, or what I was going through. Family, friends and therapists can only say so much, they can sympathize but not empathize, because they do not have your illness. They have not been in your shoes, nor will they ever (probably.)

I attempted to stop all of my meds upon my release from the hospital again, and it put me into a deep depression that lasted close to one year. I would just lay in bed or on the couch all day and night, cry, and think about ending it all. Nothing mattered. Nothing brought me joy. It was an extremely dark place. It felt like I was never going to feel okay again.

I am extremely thankful for my Mom, for looking after me through all of this, and helping to look after my son. I am also extremely thankful to have had the greatest boyfriend who has stuck by me since 2014, through mania, through depression. He would make sure that I got up off the couch and got out, even just to go for coffee or a walk. He got me motivated again, we did a lot of exercising together and that really began to boost my mood (along with some medications as well.) Looking back on it now, I am very proud of myself for pulling through, and so grateful or those who helped me during my struggle.

I have been “stable” for almost two years now. I take my medication regularly, diligently. I have spent a lot of time researching and reading all about Bipolar disorder, so I can better understand what I am dealing with here. I created my Instagram account youarenotyourillness as a way of providing support and connecting with others who have the disorder, I have really enjoyed that and I try hard to post everyday.

I have begun to get more involved in the mental health community where I live. I started volunteering at the Mood Disorders Association as a Peer Support Worker. I feel that I can use my experiences to help others who may be going through some tough times just like I was. Sometimes, you just need someone to listen. Other than that, I exercise often, I try to everyday. I go to the gym, it does wonders for my mood. I try to eat healthy, although I do have some cheat days where I enjoy some pizza or fries (yum.)

I love spending time with my son, who is now 8, and is very into hockey. I love going to his games, it makes me so happy. I love to spend time with friends, family and my boyfriend. I love board games, to the point where I can annoy people by wanting to play them so much. I love country music. I love to cook, and I’m great at it, it is definitely a huge passion of mine. I am a typical girly girl – I love clothes, fashion, shopping and makeup, all that stuff! I l binge watch a lot of Netflix series. My guilty pleasure is Keeping up with the Kardashians.  I went to Mexico for the first time ever in January, it was the time of my life! I can’t wait to travel more. I am enjoying my life right now. I am also bipolar. But, as you can read, I am so much more than my illness. And, so are you! Often, when we receive a diagnosis, it can be devastating, and it consumes your every thought. You focus on all of the negative aspects of your illness, and yourself. I am asking you to forget about your illness for a minute (or longer) and think about what you enjoy…. what makes you happy….who are you?

Your illness is just a chapter in your book, don’t let it take up the whole story! This is your life and it’s Worth Living.

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Worth Living Founder Keith Anderson

14 Years Later – not as apocalyptic as the movies 28 Days Later or 28 Weeks Later but  I can say it was my personal apocalypse.

I was diagnosed with severe depression 14 years ago today. I had a mental breakdown and lost my career as a lawyer. All in the span of five days. Not my best week.

I was devastated, emotional, lost. My mind in fragments, my life in tatters.

It’s been quite the run since that time, the darkest of my life.

My immediate family – my mother, sister, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew – were wonderful. Supportive and understanding. Accepting and engaged.

The Bar Society was helpful in providing me with a list of therapists. They even called to see how I was doing. Therapy was critical. I went once a week for two years.

I would spend the next few  months confined to bed, the next couple of years quite restricted to my house. Going to therapy became the highlight of my week! After each session, I would celebrate my slow path to recovery by going out to eat. I have a long list of special restaurants in Halifax now.

Setting aside the illness for a moment, I had difficulty in trying to logically reconcile what had happened. I went from practising  law at a high level on a Friday to being in bed the following Tuesday, with my mind not fully functioning. That was tough to grasp. It took awhile for me recognize that the breakdown was set in motion years before when my father died young.

I am grateful for the breakdown, it saved me. I had been thinking of suicide and had it all planned. The breakdown put me in a safe place, with my family, not working 60 hours each week.

There were many bumps over these years. Friends abandoned me. Family did the same. My girlfriend had been cut off by me earlier due to my wanting to hide from the world as depression took control.

I lost most things – my career, sold my house on the lake, sold my vehicles, friends gone. But to focus on what I didn’t have wasn’t fair to what I did have. I had my immediate family.  I had a great therapist. I was on the path to good health. I was starting to sleep better. I was learning to laugh again. Most important though was that I was still alive!

I was making new friends who understood my depression and accepted me. I began to volunteer with some mental health groups as I slowly ventured back into the world.

I remember the first time I was asked to talk about my journey. It was at the Canadian Mental Health Association National Conference in 2008.It was so exciting to attend a conference where everyone was focussed on mental health issues. I had a true sense of belonging.

My presentation –I was given 20 minutes to speak to an audience of about 15 people.I hadn’t spoken in public in six years. I was used to speaking at meetings or in the courtroom. No problem at all. I was, actually nervous. I had pages of notes made. I read them over and over, making changes. I found it so different to speak about myself, not for a client. This was my life exposed. I got emotional at some point.  It has become a regular occurrence when I present. The topic that sets me off is not always the same. It could be talking about my father, my lost super star girlfriend. Some happy topics bring out emotions forth.

I stand now healthy, happy, and hopeful for more in life. I will always regret the loss of certain aspects of my life due to my mental illness. I missed out on many special events through the dark years. I can though say that I have had some worth living moments in recent years. To feel those moments is overwhelming in the best of ways. There will be more to come!

Worth Living Ambassador Ashley Colucci

Hi there everyone, my name is Ashley and I am 30 years old.

Caution: This post mentions thoughts of suicide and self harm.

My journey with mental illness has been quite a long and extensive one. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression since I was a young girl. The racing thoughts, the suicidal feelings- it all began when I turned 11. I remember having these feelings of wanting to die, and having no idea why I was feeling like that. It terrified me.

My family didn’t talk about mental health. It was very much a “if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist” mentality. So I suffered alone and silently for most of my life. There were so many sleepless nights, tossing and turning with my stomach in knots, thinking about the field trip the next day or the huge project I had to finish or even the presentation I’d have to make in front of all my peers. Many, many mornings when I’d wake up and feel physically ill, I wouldn’t be able to eat for hours.

I  just thought it was all normal. I’d ask my mother about it and she’d tell me it happens to her too sometimes. So I just assumed that that’s just how life was.

I literally knew nothing about mental health.

I remember being 13 years old and everything in my life was about to change. It was the summer before high school and all of my friends were moving away and going to different high schools than me.

I was so depressed that summer about the changes that were taking place. I didn’t move off  the couch for two whole weeks. And I didn’t understand why I was feeling that way. All I knew was that I didn’t want to face life anymore but I couldn’t put it into words. I couldn’t explain it to anyone.

When I was a teenager, the self-harming started. I honestly don’t think this was because I wanted to die, it was a cry for help. I’d have these thoughts about how much I hated myself, that  I wanted to be more like the popular girls, about how no one would love me ever. I so desperately wanted to fit in but I was convinced that I was some sort of freak because of the thoughts I’d have and because of the over-thinking. I was so paranoid that no one liked me. I was incredibly insecure.

I can’t say that those feelings ever really went away, the feelings of feeling inadequacy. I have struggled with relationships, gone back and forth between them. I hurt a lot of people during those times. I was extremely selfish. I went through a failed marriage as well and I beat myself up over it. I blamed myself for the entire thing falling apart, even though the rational side of my mind was telling me that it wasn’t all my fault. I still blamed myself because I didn’t try hard enough.

The guilt and regret of never completing my education has also eaten me up. I still struggle with the idea that my life could be so much different right now if I had just stayed in school and completed my last year.

I am still learning so much about myself, even now, and so much about mental illness. I look back on all the foolish things I did in my teens and even in my early twenties and I feel so embarrassed that I carried on the way that I did.
I am learning to love myself. I practice self-care all the time now because I have a bigger reason to be the best version of myself. I have my two young daughters.

I was told by my doctor that I suffer from severe depression and severe anxiety but I have yet to receive a full diagnosis from a psychiatrist. I am currently waiting for my appointment.

But I know things now that I never knew before and knowledge, for me, is power. I now have the upper hand on my mental illness because I understand it. I was always so lost and confused as a teenager, always wondering what the heck was wrong with me!

Now I have my children, and I have to be strong for them. They motivate me to keep going, to be the best version of myself that I can be, for them. Because not only will it benefit me… it will benefit them in the end too.

When they can see their momma being a strong, independent woman who loves herself and who doesn’t need reassurance from anyone else that she is worth it… I’ve done my job.

Recovery is not linear. It doesn’t follow a straight and narrow path, and it doesn’t come in the form of a yellow brick road that leads to a giant castle. It’s twisted and narrow and sometimes we lose our direction for a minute. But there are always people there to help you find that path again.

I have been taking therapy sessions and they have been helping tremendously. I also take my medications prescribed and practice mindfulness as much as possible. I use essential oils and salt lamps, all natural remedies.

Yoga and physical exercise have helped me a lot too.

But I find what helps me the most, out of everything else, is spreading awareness and speaking to other people about their struggles and their battles. Because it feels SO NICE to know that I am NOT alone in this recovery. There are many other people fighting the same battle every single day.

I am so honored to be a part of this Worth Living community!

NOTE: If you , a family member, friend, or colleague is experiencing  thoughts of suicide or distress, call 911 now.
Other resources :
Canada- Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention  http://Suicide Prevention Website
USA – National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
United Kingdom   http://NHS

Worth Living Ambassador Niko Colletti

Hey there! I’m Niko, 20 years old, of Southern Ontario.  I’m on a journey to find myself and discover what truly makes me happy, while continuing to learn how to function in this complicated world around me.  I was diagnosed with High-Functioning Autism as well as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) at a very young age, and it’s been a long haul living with a brain wired so differently.  I intend to continue bettering myself while sharing my experiences with those who are feeling overwhelmed in their struggles, showing that with enough determination and patience, you will persevere no matter what demons share your company.

We all have that feeling of defeat from time to time like we’ve taken a few steps back rather than forward.  This has been me the last few weeks.  I just haven’t seemed to be able to use my time at all.  Even if what I have on my to-do list is something I actually want to do, I just seem to lack any willpower to do anything.  It really sucks because I’ve just been too distracted and unable to use my time properly.  Soon as I get home from work, everything I’ve wanted to accomplish the rest of my day falls victim to what I like to call “brake failure;” my inability to put down something to do something else.  If you struggle with ADHD, you’ll know exactly what this can do to even the most structured day.

What I’m going to do today is share some insight on why we can waste time so easily, and some strategies I’m working on to overcome the couch-lock we can get from time to time. This is going to be highly geared towards ADHDers, but feel free to read this even if you’re not one, because these strategies are still useful!

First and most importantly, MAKE A LIST.  I can’t count how many times my procrastination/overwhelm/anxiety was caused simply by not knowing exactly what I was trying to do.  Note what is most important, and roughly how long you think each item should take you to complete.  Also, don’t fill up the page with everything you can think of that has to be done, just pick the most important ones.  Your time is valuable, and it’s easy for us to overestimate how much we can stretch it in a day.  When making this list, ensure the first task is simple, and is easy to start.  If it’s too daunting, it’ll be easier to procrastinate.  You also need to put any boring/arduous tasks in between ones that are enjoyable for you, to keep you motivated.  Since an ADHDer has trouble with dopamine, it won’t feel rewarding to get something done as much if it isn’t fun or challenging, so try to make it feel like a game as much as possible.

Tape the list to your bedroom door so you won’t lose it or forget about it.  I suggest doing everything in the previous paragraph the night before, so it will essentially be everything you want to do tomorrow.  Write what time you would like to start this list at the top, as the feeling of a deadline is stimulating to our brains. This will give you the feeling of a fresh start, and motivate you to get to bed at a decent hour, which you and I know is not easy with ADHD!  Get some sleep, as you’ll need to start your day well rested and energized to ensure you don’t run out of steam.  Momentum is key!

The next step, get up RIGHT AWAY.  Don’t wait, get up as soon as your alarm goes up, or you’re awake enough to roll out of bed.  If you take medication for your ADHD, leave it by your bed so you can take it soon as you wake up.  That way, if you do fall back asleep, it’ll kick in and get you up and at ‘em ASAP.  You know as well as I that every minute is precious when you are so easily distracted, so make sure you are always moving to prevent being thrown off schedule.

At this point, I’d suggest a good breakfast, and coffee if you drink it.  This will ensure you are full of energy and focused on what needs to be done.  Once you’re done, exercise, as that’ll get you moving.  As I mentioned in my previous blog post, exercise is key to getting the most out of your brain!  A day of focus and attention requires a focused and attentive mind and a body that is exercised should really help slow down your endless stream of thoughts enough to let you focus.  Cardio is the most effective for this, so even if you can’t make it to a gym or don’t have the strength for weights, a good jog or run should do you a world of good.

Now, tackle that list!  If you did this properly, you should be excited to begin, and that first task should be completed in no time!  Set a timer for the same estimated time on your list, and when the timer runs out, wrap it up, and DO NOT CONTINUE!  This prevents hyper focus from throwing us off schedule.  Make sure to remember to take snack breaks in between each task.  Snacking helps keep our minds busy enough to avoid becoming open to distractions and will help encourage us to eat more when we’d normally forget. If you haven’t completed a task in time, thats okay. Instead of crossing it off, put a star next to it, and get back to it once you have gone through your whole list.  When you do get back to it, set a stopwatch this time.  Add this to the time you already spent, and voila, you now ACTUALLY know how long that task will take you!  The more you do this, the easier it’ll be to plan your day because you’ll be able to accurately estimate how much time something will take and who knows, maybe you’ll actually be able to get it done in one go next time!

The key to preventing derailment is to avoid anything that could hold your attention hostage, like a cell phone, the internet, or anything that you already spend lots of time on every day.  To reward yourself for staying on track, feel free to hyper focus on something off your list once the list is COMPLETE.  These things will be excruciatingly difficult to break away from and will likely eat up your day before you even remember to check the time.  You will also prevent yourself from using that break time to exercise self care like eating.

Remember that while you are working on a list, anything that is on the list takes priority over all but dire emergency.  The reason you did this in the first place is to complete what is important and needs to be done, so you can hyper focus on whatever you like later, without having that anxiety of knowing you are procrastinating.  Once your list is done for the day, go nuts!  Make it a point to watch your youtube subscriptions or play a couple rounds of online multiplayer in your favourite game.  Just remember not to stay up too late. If your brakes tend to fail here, feel free to outsource your willpower, which I’ll explain how to do in a future entry.

Thats all the advice I have on this topic for right now. Set firm boundaries, but please don’t be hard on yourself if you fail at this because developing discipline like this takes time and can still fail you at times because thats just how your brain works.  You’re not alone, I experienced some of the worst brake failure yet trying to start writing this.  It took me 3 weeks to start something that ended up taking me 2 hours!  Just don’t give up!  Remember, resilience and snacks!!  Take care. 🙂

“You must face annihilation over and over again to find our what is indestructible in yourself.”
~ Pema Chodron

Worth Living Ambassador Hannah-Grace Morgan

Hannah-Grace is a 20 year old Applied Psychology student at Acadia University. Having grown up seeing first-hand how rocky the road of dealing with mental illness can be, as well as the unfortunate stigma that comes along with it, she is eager to help make a change. Hannah-Grace aims to inspire others to choose happiness, embrace the differences of others, and laugh often.

January was a hard month for me. I unfortunately found myself dealing with a couple of serious situations that took up the majority of my energy. I was drained. I was tired. But then I realized that I hadn’t accessed the resources that I am constantly promoting as a Resident Assistant.

Among the many other things that I have learned in my two years as a Resident Assistant, I learned just how stubborn I am. It’s so easy to give out advice to others- to be that person pointing someone in need in the right direction. What’s hard to do, though, is to take our own advice.

As a Resident Assistant, I deal with a lot. I’m the person my housemates come to when they’re locked out of their rooms, when their friend is over-intoxicated and throwing up in a bathroom, or when they just need someone to rant to about their daily hassles and stressors. As well, I am the first line of defence for many serious situations. People utilize their RAs in times of crisis, whether it be the aftermath of a sexual assault, family issues, mental health concerns and even suicidal thoughts/attempts. After two years, it’s pretty much just second nature for me to list off the resources available to a resident when they come to me in times of need.

When it’s you that needs the support, though, it’s a completely different story. I know what resources are at my disposal. I go to a great school that I believe genuinely cares about the wellbeing of its’ students. I have great support through my ties with Residence Life, including my Residence Dons, the head of Residence Life, and the six excellent individuals that I have the pleasure of working with in my building every day. I have the best group of friends that I could ask for. I have two loving parents who are only a phone call away. I have a brother who I am so fortunate to go to the same school as, who has been nothing but tremendously supportive of me my entire life.

Although I have all the great supports mentioned above, I found myself feeling very alone during the month of January. This was through no fault of my friends and family, but actually of my own. I didn’t reach out. I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t take care of myself.

One of the hardest things for me to admit is that I can’t handle all that I have going on- that I have too much on my plate. I’m not sure if it’s that I think by asking for help I’m showing weakness, but I have always struggled with this. I’m a Type A personality. I like to be in control of everything. I like to be the leader. As much as I struggle with the idea of admitting that I have bitten off more than I can chew, I ultimately found myself having no other option but to do this.

I saw a counsellor for the first time. It was a great experience, getting to rant to someone and leave all frustrations behind when our appointment was over. If this service is available to you, I highly recommend you utilize it. Whether or not you are dealing with something of a serious nature, just having someone to talk to is beyond therapeutic.

I opened up to my friends. I wouldn’t call myself a private person, but I definitely have a lot of my life that I choose to keep from others. When it got to the point where I couldn’t keep it private as it was affecting my daily life, I turned to my support system. The relief I felt from doing this is seriously indescribable.

I talked to my parents. If I’m being honest here, I’ve been burnt out for a while now. I’ve loved school since before I was even old enough to go. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling a disconnect from school. I don’t enjoy my classes. I don’t get excitement from learning like I used to. Doing homework and studying for exams is not just a hassle, but I’ve gotten to the point where I would rather take an F on an assignment than open a book. I just don’t care anymore. I need a break. I was really scared to tell my parents this, but after explaining to them the struggle I’ve been facing, they were more than supportive of me. It is with their support that I’ve actually decided to take a year off from school next year to take some time for me.

That leads well into my last point. While it’s last to be mentioned, it is seriously the most important in my opinion. Take time for you. I cannot stress enough the importance of self-care. Whether it’s just taking an hour to watch your favourite show, cleaning your room or doing a face mask, set that time aside for yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else. You know when you need a break, so do yourself a favour and take it. You’re worth taking care of. You’re worth living.