The Guilt and Shame after a Suicide Attempt

Worth Living Ambassador and Official DJ Scratchley Q

Scrathley Q is a 23 year old from Manitoulin Island who loves sharing her passion for DJing with the public. She is a natural performer who has no problem filling a dance floor and keeping it moving. Scratchley Q is a high energy performer who has established a reputation as a versatile and professional, hardworking DJ. She presents a weekly Top Countdown of music videos for the WL blog.  She also has mixed 5 Volumes of Worth Living BPM Therapy  www.mixcloud.com/djscratchleyq

Caution: DJ Scratchley Q discusses Suicide

The Guilt and Shame after a Suicide Attempt

Yes, I attempted suicide, yes, I failed, and yes ,I feel guilty. I’m not proud of my attempt. In fact, I regret what I had done. I wish I could turn back time and change everything. For years I kept my suicide attempt a secret from everyone. I never wanted to talk about it. I even tried to forget about it and pretend that nothing happened. But here I am facing my fears hoping to help at least one person. I’m sure at least one other person has felt what I have. What most don’t know is often people who commit suicide don’t actually want to die. They just want the pain to end. In that second when they are about to take their own lives, they just want the pain to stop. At that time, before ending their own life, it was the only thing that seems logical. Today I’m still learning to cope with the shame and the guilt that I have felt after my attempt.
Guilt, I didn’t feel guilty and I didn’t think about guilt beforehand until I woke up in the hospital room, cold, severe ringing in my ears, a terrible headache, aching body, IVs in my arm. A doctor came in to tell me how lucky I was, then had to draw blood from my wrist to send off for testing. I didn’t feel lucky. I was slightly confused about why I was still alive. I was grateful I was alive, but the guilt set in. I started to piece together in my head the things that I could remember. I felt deep emotional pain, I felt worthless and stressed. My anxiety was at an all -time high. I swallowed a lethal dose of aspirin right before I went to bed. I remember it was early in the morning, 3am, I was at home, a family member heard me yelling for help, my parents drove me to the hospital in a snow storm. I don’t remember anything else. Lying alone in the hospital, I started to feel like I let my family down, I let myself down, everyone is going to find out and judge me.

I felt shame. I was beyond humiliated. People say that people who die by suicide are selfish. I wasn’t trying to be selfish. Someone found me in a terrible state. Seeing my parents for the first time after the attempt was the worst. Even though they love me unconditionally, I could tell they were not impressed, I could feel anger and confusion from them. There was no sympathy for what I had done. I know I have caused so many others pain.

I wish I could say my care at the hospital was good but it wasn’t. The doctor was great, but the nurses treated me poorly. I even heard one say as she started her shift “is that stupid young girl still here that attempted suicide, she’s just seeking attention”. I later came to realize that maybe she is just ignorant or not educated about mental illness. More shame and guilt when it came to seeing if I was mentally stable enough to be released. The questions that the evaluator asked me before I could be released were the most difficult, but I knew if I answer the questions a certain way I would be released. So I lied for some of the questions, okay, maybe a majority of the questions just so I could go home and hide from the world.

Home was difficult for a while. I was terrified someone would approach me about it. As I said, I didn’t want to talk. I agreed to go to therapy as to see a professional. I didn’t like that she made me feel like a bad person even more than what I felt already. She basically told me my situation was all my fault. After a few short weeks of therapy, I said I no longer needed it. The truth is I didn’t connect with the professional and I had no other option.

Since then I have found ways to deal with my shame and guilt. Every once in a while it gets very challenging and hard to deal with. I’m slowly learning to accept the fact that I’m still internalizing the shame and guilt. I know I shouldn’t have to. I know I have a few close people I can talk to. The fight is long and strenuous but I have to keep fighting. I encourage anyone who has felt the same as me to reach out to someone. You don’t have to do this alone. Keep fighting.

Your Live is Worth Living.  – Scratchley Q