Music, Romance, and Me

As seen on BringChange2Mind.com by Keith Anderson

Whether it’s the angst of Eric Clapton’s Layla, the bluntness of ZZ Top’s Legs,  or the  joy of The Beatles’ Love Me Do.…..love and music have always gone together.

When I would meet a woman of interest, one of my ”getting to know her” questions was “What kind of music do you like?” For many years, it was simply a question, one of many. Though some responses were certainly indicative of how short the relationship would be!

Given the role music played in the dark days of my depression and then in my recovery, that question has more relevance now. Lyrics have become very important. Certain songs are not just enjoyable, but provide some significance for me.

I met someone back in November –  let’s call her M.  The afternoon after we met, we got together at a Halifax coffee shop. We found ourselves discussing many topics, from my journey through depression to her studies at Dalhousie University. We talked for hours.

Though healthy, I hadn’t spoken with a woman one on one with that sparkle for many years, ok, 12 years! But onward I went, talking, laughing, getting to know her.

Though there are certainly differences, in particular, our ages, there is  more in common.

I quickly discovered, that one of her favourite artists is Van Morrison, Van ranks high on my list too. We know Van is an acquired taste and he is not a Top 10 hit maker nowadays. So for her to have been exposed to Van and then to like him spoke a lot about her.

So I ventured back into the relationship world with music as one of my reference points.

A few months later, I noticed a post she made on facebook, listing albums that had had an impact on her.  There was of course  Van’s Astral Weeks.  Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors was also listed. That album was huge when I was a teen ager just starting to listen to music. I remember playing it the summer I was 16. I  had just gotten my driver’s license and so cruising with Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow cranked up was too cool. Great memories!

I was both pleased and impressed, ok I was in awe, with  M’s  taste in music. It gave us more in common. It helped me appreciate and understand her better. It also made me feel comfortable in talking with her. We shared something that was important.

I presented at a local university last February. I invited M to join me and she readily accepted. As we drove the hour to the school, I suggested she find some music for us to enjoy. She chose Alt Nation, not a channel I would think to check out. The music was certainly different, but actually rather good. Something new for me to experience. Well done, M!

I was driving from Sydney, my hometown, to Halifax, about a 5 hour drive. M and I  texted most of the trip (  yes, I pulled over each time to read and respond ! ). About half way there, I thought it was time to hear some music. I turned on Classic Vinyl, and Bob Segar’s You’ll Accompany Me was playing.

“ I’ll take my chances babe I’II risk it all
I’ll win your love or I’II take the fall
I’ve made my mind up girl it’s meant to be
Someday lady you’ll accomp’ny me
Someday lady you’ll accomp’ny me

Out where the rivers meet the sounding sea

I feel it in my soul, it’s meant to be

Oh someday lady you’ll accomp’ny me”

So appropriate and timely!  Music can define a moment!

As seen on BringChange2Mind.com Blog on July 9, 2010

By the fall of 2007, three years after my breakdown, I was confident that I was well on my way to being healthy. So, I turned my thoughts to seeking that public voice to discus my mental illness, its impact on my life, and my recovery. I knew I wasn’t  yet capable of speaking about it, but I thought I could perhaps write something.

I emailed the National Post newspaper, which is distributed throughout Canada, with the suggestion of a first person account of what happened to me. The following day, I received a response, and was told that my story was a perfect fit of an new upcoming series, “ All About Bouncing Back”.  My story appeared in the paper on February 20, 2008, titled “How I Returned to a Life Worth Living”. My first sense of accomplishment in many years.

Then I wondered how I could use this article to continue with my advocacy. Up until this time, I had used the internet, as I recovered, to read news and sports. I went looking for websites on depression. I had read somewhere about the Canadian Mental Health Association. So, I thought I would see if CMHA had a website.

The Canadian Mental Health Association has a full and comprehensive website (www.cmha.ca ). I first found a list of mental illnesses and clicked on “depression.” Under “signs of depression” , I read what were the signs of my life the last dozen years.  Just reading these symptoms gave me a sense of comfort. I knew again that I was not alone with my depression, it was real illness with real symptoms that other people had as well.

I was also impressed with the section on “Public Policy” which listed various reports and submissions that CMHA had presented to government bodies and agencies. This was group that was taking visible and strong positions in the area of mental health.

But the most impressive part of the site was the list of locations. There was a national office, but also provincial offices, and even local offices. I live in Nova Scotia which is a small province in Canada, small in terms of geography and population. But CMHA has a Nova Scotia Division and also eight  local offices in different parts of the province. I really felt that CMHA with such an extensive network had a handle on helping people.

So I emailed my National Post article to CMHA, Nova Scotia, with no expectations at all.  Within an hour, I received a response from Carol Tooton, the Executive Director, asking if I wanted another audience. I replied positively, but not knowing to what I had agreed. In her second email, Ms. Tooton asked if I wanted to speak at the CMHA National Conference in a few months time. The Conference was being held in Nova Scotia to honor CMHA, NS, and its 100^th anniversary.  So, I went and spoke for the first time in public in five years.  It went well for me, and the audience was receptive. I then knew I was still capable of speaking in a public venue,  perhaps no longer on behalf of clients, but with my own story.

CMHA ‘s website initially provided me with information and thus a sense of acceptance. It then provided me with a means to advocate more on mental health issues.  I realize that it is a Canadian based website, but we all know that mental illness knows no boundaries and the internet knows no boundaries. I have learned about depression from this site and from sites based in other countries.

I suggest finding a site that provides the information and thus the guidance that you think you need. From that site, many benefits can arise, and your life can even be changed.

Let’s Say It Out Loud

By Keith Anderson on BringChange2Mind.com

I graduated from Dalhousie Law School at the age of 22, I was called to the Nova Scotia Bar the following summer. I understood “academics” well, but “life” not so much. I had a lot to learn.

One source for that learning was the practice of law.

Lawyers work in an adversarial system. We are obligated to represent a client to the best of our abilities. We “knock heads” with other lawyers to do so. We look for advantages over the other lawyer, even try to find a weakness to exploit. There may also be a certain level of gamesmanship involved at times. It is a slippery slope to then treat other lawyers and clients poorly. Words such as empathy, kindness, and even respect don’t exist in this world.

A short story. I was in the middle of an 8 day trial. Numerous witnesses, lots of documents. It was my turn to cross examine one particular witness. I knew that a certain set of questions would make this witness emotional. But I had to ask. About a half hour into my questions, the witness broke down and cried to the point where the trial was adjourned for the day.  Simply doing my job I thought.

So perhaps not the best place to learn healthy life lessons.

But circumstances do change.

I had a horrible empty life for many years, though I never considered I had depression.

The notion of a lawyer seeking help or speaking about personal difficulties – not going to happen. Then add  that I am a man – silence for sure.

I help people, I don’t look for help. I am a “fixer”, I don’t need “fixing”.  So I thought, until my life came undone.

I was diagnosed with depression on Friday, March 7, 2003. By the following Tuesday, my career was gone and I had a mental breakdown. Not my best week.

My family – my mother, sister – and I decided that we would address my depression as one would with any illness. We spoke about it openly within our family, even to my then teen age niece and nephew. We acknowledged it beyond our family too.

As I slowly began to understand depression and the impact it had had on me, I thought that if I could get healthy, perhaps I could have another chance to enjoy life.  Part of my recovery was to seek a voice. I had this deep need to explain to people what had happened to me, how mental illness played such a powerful role in my life.

I would soon discover that few men were speaking to anyone about their mental illnesses.

Most of the people I have met since I surfaced after years of darkness are involved in mental health work.  Thus most knew that I had depression or learned shortly after we met.

But there was one person who I met and I wondered what to tell. I took a breath and simply told all about my depression. The response was almost a non response, there was no concern. No stigma at all.

I have found that when I discuss my depression in public, others approach me with their own journeys. They know I will understand and not judge them.

Writing or speaking in public are akin to therapy for me. I have found that voice.

I have evolved. The world will evolve.

What’s Wrong With Me?

By Keith Anderson as seen on BringChange2Mind.com

This is the first in a series of blogs that will address how I have dealt with meeting woman and then possibly dating. As can be seen on my website, I was diagnosed with depression in March of 2003.  A few days later, I had a mental breakdown. I would spend months in bed and years self confined to the house.

Needles to say, the idea let alone the possibility of dating wasn’t in my head.

But ones life does unfold.  I was offered a position with the Canadian Mental Health Association in the summer of 2011. I hadn’t worked in 8 years so it was certainly a daunting time.

CMHA holds an annual fundraiser, Women and Wellness. It is a women only event with a guest speaker and silent auction.  I made it a point that I would be allowed to attend.  My first year, I was asked to invite Jessie Close to speak. Jess and Snitz , her service dog, were kind enough to accept. I spent a wonderful few days with them. We laughed and cried as we shared stories of our journeys through mental illness.

Now, back to the topic….but we needed the back story!

Through the Women and Wellness evening, I noticed a woman.  This was a first since 2003.  I even met her.  Meagan was very sweet and we chatted a bit.  That was the extent of it.

Skipping ahead one year, to the following Women and Wellness event. My role that night was to greet everyone as they entered the venue.

Almost the last person to walk in was Meagan.  I welcomed her and we talked briefly.  The silent auction was busy.  When it was time for the guest speaker to start,  Meagan and I happened to be together. She said lets get seats to see the speaker.  Off we went!

I sat beside this woman who I had met a year ago, who I was fortunate to meet again, who asked me to join her for the guest speaker. I said nothing to her. I was completely lost for words.  There was a time, I could talk to a woman. I had dated, a lot, perhaps too much.  Here I sat, as if I was 17 again! A small success, maybe, but being able to talk to a woman again was a great personal triumph.

I tried to find her since to no avail.

As I reflect and remember some of those depression filled years, I recall the common symptoms…

• Insomnia for days and weeks, barely sleeping an hour a night. But practicing law at a high level all day.
• Cutting short relationships, this need I had to hide from the world
• Solo lunches
• A complete lack of happiness in my life
• Raw emotions, tears, hidden from everyone

But I think for me the greatest loss I endured during the darkness was the complete thought I had nothing to offer to others. I was empty of self confidence and self worth.

With this emptiness, it took every bit of strength and energy I had to walk into my law firm each day and work. Trying to perform to the expectation I had of myself and others had from my experience. Of course, I would pretend to be happy and collected.  Practicing law requires great confidence. Confidence I had to pretend I had.

I had to make a hundred decisions each day.

I had 50 phone calls to make by noon. As soon as one call was made, another was added to the list. In the time before emails and texting! I had to put more energy into “pretending” in my voice.

I was left with no strength for my personal life which unravelled slowly but deeply, never to be retrieved in some instances.

Life has challenges.  It’s how we handle them that makes a better life or not.  It’s sad, but all too real, to know that some people can not find that better life. The illness is too strong. The symptoms are real. I can recall them now knowing full-well what was happening to me… what was happening to my mind. But at the time, I was stuck in an envelop, stuck, not knowing where I was or how to get out.

With a mental illness, it takes time, treatment, and family support. As with any illness. That is the only way to attempt to find the better life. With help I found where I was and I figured out how to get out.

I am a fortunate one.

There are still moments when my mind goes to that darkest of places.

Years ago, in the midst of depression, with what I perceived as my world crumbling, I thought of simply stepping out of life. I had this tow rope in my garage. I would take it and stand on the deck off the top level of my house. The mental pain so intense. The angst burning holes in my mind.  I would hold the rope and plan the end.  But I had this fear. I had no fear of dying… My fear was that the deck wouldn’t support my hanging off of it, and I would simply hit the ground and break a leg.  My effort to step out would be wasted.  But of course, the deck would have held a small car dangling from it.  Depression and logical thinking don’t always align.

Another concern which held me back, and kept me alive, was that I couldn’t put my family in such a moment of grief.

But these concerns were evaporating and that leap was an ever present thought.

Then my mental breakdown occurred. Though it put me in bed for months, it saved my life. I then knew I had depression and I thought that with work I could get healthy and live a better life.

Though some darkness surfaces at times, today I am happy and healthy.

As seen on Bring Change 2 Mind: http://bringchange2mind.org/kindness/

These last few years I‘ve had the time, and inclination, to reflect on many aspects of my life.

My days practicing law were often rewarding, exciting and certainly pressure packed. But to me it was ‘good pressure’ and I functioned and thrived with deadlines.

Looking back, I wonder what kind of a person I was then. I think I was similar to who I am now. I was certainly “busy” which is so commonly used as a measure of success. As busy as I was, I always made time for family and certain friends. I thought of others before myself. But I would learn that was also my depression taking hold. I didn’t take time or do for myself, the kind things I did for others.

I tried to be a “kind lawyer”, which could be an oxymoron! It was difficult to be kind and also represent a client well in an adversarial system. I remember one case in particular. In the middle of a 5 day trial, I knew that my asking certain questions of one witness would likely make the witness emotional, and perhaps even breakdown in tears. But as a lawyer, I had to ask. I delivered my lines of inquiry, and yes, tears and heartache occurred. We were successful at the end of the trial, but at what price? So kindness was sometimes absent. That troubled me.

In my personal life, I believe I was kind. At least, this I was told. But my “lawyer thinking” seeped in at times, especially during intense discussions or arguments. I was told that too!

Since my depression and mental breakdown, my life has changed. One aspect is how I now see myself and others.

Kindness has become an important aspect of life that I now recognize more readily. I have a more complete understanding of myself and the world around me. Being kind is so important. It’s the most powerful way to have a positive impact on people. And it’s readily accessible to all.

Since my new-found awareness I hear more often that I am a kind person. One “special person” even says “sweet”. Hey, I will take that! It’s a kindness returned.

After my breakdown, I learned firsthand about people being unkind. Of all my friends, only two came forward to provide some help. Acceptance and understating of mental illness wasn’t part of my friends’ thinking. No one even offered to learn what to do to help. Stigma ruled.

But be careful of false comfort. After so many friends abandoned me, I found myself quite anxious to meet new people, or even to rekindle old friendships. I thought anyone would be great to have around. I was wrong. Not all relationships are good and healthy. I now choose my circle with great care.

Of the people in my life now, my family is the kindest, most supportive circle providing limitless acceptance and understanding. They’ve been with me since the day I was diagnosed.

New friends have been wonderful to meet. Most are connected in some manner with mental health awareness. So they “get it”, well, most of the time!

My current life is full of kindness. I am still learning too.

I was recently on a trip with the “special one”. Our first trip! The first afternoon, we went for a walk while we waited for our hotel room to be available. We were approached by people with flyers offering everything from a bus tour of the city to a visit to a club. I simply, and quickly, brushed past and said curtly, “no thanks”. My friend noted I could have been kinder. She was correct. These people we simply doing their job, trying to have a better life. During the next few days, we stopped to talk with some of the flyer people and actually had conversations that were full of interest and humour.

Most times kindness doesn’t require a great effort, perhaps no effort at all. Smile to a person you pass on the sidewalk. Hold a door open for someone. Help someone with luggage on a flight. Slow down and enjoy the people around you, even strangers.

We have such power to help or hurt people, by what we say and do, and what we don’t say or do.

Also, and this may be a difficult one, be kind to yourself. I wasn’t for years and I still have to acknowledge this and make it a priority. I used to confuse being kind to myself with being selfish. They are not the same at all.

Don’t make it perfunctory kindness though – make it meaningful for both yourself and the other person. Your smile will get a smile in return. Now that’s kindness that can change the day.

A simple text from the “special one” saying” I miss you” makes my life brighter. Even at 3am!