Desperate for HELP.
The word desperate very accurately describes my experience prior to launching into recovery. I truly did launch, like a powerful slingshot. My vessel was uncomfortable simply existing every day.
Everything in my life was all or nothing.
My emotions were severely overwhelming.
I did not possess language such as “emotional intensity”, or even recognize Emotional Intensity Disorder, which is more commonly known as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), as a legitimate condition.
A complete mental breakdown lead to me being diagnosed with BPD, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Thoughts along the lines of:
“I’m unworthy.” “I’m unlovable, I can’t even love myself.” “I will feel this pain forever” filled my head and shattered my heart. I was convinced – I fully believed those lies.
Suicidal thoughts tormented me constantly. Self harm became a habitual coping mechanism.
In my mind, nobody cared – I was alone, helpless, and DESPRATE FOR HELP.
At the time, I did not believe recovery was an option for someone who felt as awful as I did. I had fallen deep into the negative thinking traps telling myself this heavy darkness would be forever.
Along with intrusive thoughts, I felt the physical symptoms of mental illness. I’d lost 50lbs due to lack of appetite. I dreaded mornings (mornings are my favourite time of day). My energy was lower than its ever been, simply moving from one room to another took every ounce of strength I could muster, and leaving the house was unimaginable. Even eye contact was torture – I didn’t want anyone to see into my eyes, because maybe then they would see my painful reality.
Flash forward to my hospital stay. All I could come up with to explain what I was experiencing at the time was “I just don’t feel good.” Trapped in an empty gaze, holding back tears and dry heaves, I just did not feel good. I’d gone to the emergency room three times in three days with this explanation, before being admitted, and finally diagnosed.
Through therapy, I have learned new vocabulary to accurately explain my emotional experiences, new coping mechanisms when emotional overload occurs, and a new way of thinking about the world, myself, and others. This revelation has enabled me to rejuvenate relationships, opportunities I’d destroyed at the fault of mental illness, and set me on a pursuit of a life WORTH LIVING.