The Darkest of Nights

There are still moments when my mind goes to that darkest of places.

Years ago, in the midst of depression, with what I perceived as my world crumbling, I thought of simply stepping out of life. I had this tow rope in my garage. I would take it and stand on the deck off the top level of my house. The mental pain so intense. The angst burning holes in my mind.  I would hold the rope and plan the end.  But I had this fear. I had no fear of dying… My fear was that the deck wouldn’t support my hanging off of it, and I would simply hit the ground and break a leg.  My effort to step out would be wasted.  But of course, the deck would have held a small car dangling from it.  Depression and logical thinking don’t always align.

Another concern which held me back, and kept me alive, was that I couldn’t put my family in such a moment of grief.

But these concerns were evaporating and that leap was an ever present thought.

Then my mental breakdown occurred. Though it put me in bed for months, it saved my life. I then knew I had depression and I thought that with work I could get healthy and live a better life.

Though some darkness surfaces at times, today I am happy and healthy.

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