Even in the Darkness, this is a Memory I Would Not Change

Worth Living Ambassador Jessie Fawcett

Hello, my name is Jessie and I’m a student attending Ryerson University to obtain a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work. I am dedicated to being able to work in a juvenile detention centre in order to help aid youths who are struggling with their own lives. Mental health has always had a huge impact on my life and I’m finally starting to be able to share my story in hopes to help others who are also struggling with the same issues as well as shedding some light onto mental health

Even in the Darkness, this is a Memory I Would Not Change

If you were to ask me what my fondest memory is, it would not be one that you would guess right away if you know me well enough. Some of you would probably guess that time where I sang in front of one hundred people in the fifth grade on a school trip. Others would guess the time that I won some awards for plays that I participated in during high school. Maybe you would guess that it was the night of my prom or the first time I saw Marianas Trench live. Most of you would probably assume that it was when I met Marianas Trench for the first time a couple of months ago. Although these are some great memories and experiences that I had the privilege of being a part of, none of these qualify as my “fondest memory”.

The day that I hold dearest to my heart is graduation day. It was not because I was finally leaving high school (as most of you may think). It was not because of the gifts I received in honour of this momentous event. It was not because there was a party to celebrate afterwards. It was because of the environment. I never enjoyed being at school, at least not really anyways. Going to school was always a hassle for me, I never wanted to be there. But the evening of my graduation I had almost all of the people that I held dearest to me in the crowd supporting me. I was anxious and I was a little bit scared. Clearly, since my leg was jumping up and down like the energizer bunny. I hate crowds and audiences. I wish I could say that I always have, but the matter of the fact is that I was once actually very outgoing and loved being in front of people. Sadly, that went away. But that didn’t matter. Because even though I was nervous, I was still excited. I was with the people that I had spent the past fourteen years growing up with. My close family members were in the crowd cheering me on. Having both of my parents as well as my sister and brother there for me during big life events is always heartwarming to me. People that I cared about very much and who cared about me at the time were also there. That is what made it so damn amazing.

I was also valedictorian which was absolutely terrifying since I was so nervous, as previously stated. But I was finally able to do something memorable during my high school experience. I got to recount funny and meaningful memories that I had made with my classmates. I got to express my gratitude towards my teachers and thanked them for their knowledge and dedication. However, I think my biggest achievement during the speech was making nearly every spectator in the audience cry or at least shed a tear. Either from laughing too hard or hearing something incredibly deep coming from me. Either way, I still believe it to be an accomplishment. But it was not just the ceremony that makes it my fondest memory. I was finally able to share something with someone that I cared for very much afterwards. It was a moment that I will never forget.

I’m sure you are wondering why any of this matters. Well, even though that night will always be my favourite memory, it still pinches when I think about it now. It hurts me to think of this night because it went by so quickly and so much has changed since then. It has only been two years since I graduated high school. It is weird because it feels like just yesterday but a million years ago too at the same time.

I thought that once I graduated that I would be happy, and that life would get better from then on. I definitely overshot. Because even though I was struggling as badly as I was in high school, that pain does not compare to that of today. My heart aches at this memory because I have burned bridges with the people I cared about the most. It aches because I have not been as genuinely happy as I was since that day. It aches because I cannot go back. It aches because everything has changed. I still hold this memory close to me, but it is one that hurts the most too.

I am thinking back on the people that were once there; the compliments I had once received and rightfully earned; the smile that had to be pried off of my face. I think back on this most often even though it hurts I can feel happiness in my pain. At least, somewhat anyway.

I am not okay right now. I think I am worse than I was in high school. I don’t know what to hope for anymore. I wish I could take things back. I wish I could recover completely from this illness and maybe one day I will. But, for now, I just need to be hopeful and keep on thinking that if I got through the hard times once, that I can do it again. The road to recovery is not straight; it never was. I guess I am taking a detour once again, except this time I need to do it by myself. Even if I no longer have some of the people that I could always count on, I still need to keep fighting. I need to do it for myself. Because I am not living in this world to please other people, I am living so that I can continue to prosper in life for myself. If that means I need to let go of things that I cannot change, then I will learn how to do so.

I will leave you with this.

I Lay Here

I lay here,
In a body of water.
Nothing but water surrounds me
For miles.

I have no life jacket.
I have no rope.
I cannot see the shoreline.
I have nothing,
But an anchor,
Attached to my ankle.

The water is not clear.
The water is not blue.
The water is not polluted.
The water is black.

The black darkness engulfs my body.
It consumes me.
I do not scream.

Not because I am unafraid.
On the contrary.
I am terrified.
I am paralyzed completely.

I lay here in the water,
Floating on my back,
Screaming from the inside.
There is no point in screaming,
No one can hear me.

Even though I am paralyzed,
I can feel myself sinking.
The weight of the anchor,
Slowly pulling me down.

The sky above me is bright.
I stare at the clouds,
As they drift away in the sky.
I can feel it.
The emptiness of sinking,
Being alone.
I float into the abyss of nothing,
As if I had never been there before.

When after all this time,

I had never left.

By Jessie Fawcett