Worth Living Ambassador Shaelynn Baxter
Hello, my name is Shaelynn Baxter. After acquiring my Social Services diploma at NSCC Marconi Campus in 2019, I now attend Mount Saint Vincent University and I’m studying for my Bachelor of Arts Combined Major with Family Studies and Psychology degree. I’m working towards obtaining a Social Work degree. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and that’s how I began to dedicate my time to helping others in need. Mental Health has had a huge impact on my life and I’m happy to be able to finally start sharing my own experiences.
The year 2020 has been a blessing for some, and for others a nuisance. This year has been all about testing how strong you are, especially when it comes to mental health. I’ve been tested this year like no other. My mental health was on a decline since the start of the year and then I came to find out I wouldn’t be returning to Halifax to finish my second year at university as it decided to close its doors for the year and hold classes completely online. I cried for quite a few days after that announcement, knowing I wouldn’t be able to return to the city I loved to live in, not being able to see any of the great people I met, and not being able to see my older friends who moved to Halifax anymore. It may only be a 4-hour drive from Cape Breton to Halifax, but with the craziness that’s in the world today, who could take the chance?
I’ve been having more and more low days than I’ve had good days this year and I’ve been tested in every way imaginable. From learning how to deal with online courses, and not being able to receive the help you would if you were in the classroom, to my car being in an accident two times within a two month span, neither time being at fault. Sure, people will say “cars are fixable!” or “All university students are in the same boat, we’re learning to deal!” but for someone with anxiety and depression, it starts to take a toll and you end up asking yourself how much more you can take before you completely break down and give up. I tend to stay away from people who say “oh well you could always have it harder” because that may be true, but when you have a mental illness(es), sometimes you feel like the world is working against you and only you. I think it’s totally okay to feel that way and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way sometimes. Somedays, it’s hard seeing the good in every day and personally I haven’t seen good in a while, lately my days have been nothing but gray. I know it’ll get better with time and I know I’ll have ups and downs and start seeing yellow again, but I’ve learned that you can be upset or frustrated with materialistic things and you can feel like the world is only against you. That’s the way the world works and sometimes you do need to cry and let everything out so you can start to feel better. People may have it worse, but that shouldn’t invalidate your feelings in the current moment, and I stand by that.
I almost lost one of the most important relationships in my life currently, I was becoming an extremely toxic person because of everything being thrown at me and I didn’t realize how toxic I truly became until one day when I was faced with the fact that my significant other was going to return home to England because he felt as if he couldn’t be in the relationship any longer. That was one of the biggest wake up calls I’ve ever faced. I realized I needed to change my ways to fix the relationship, and I had to stop relying on him to “stick around” no matter how ignorant I was being. We’re doing good now, we are working together to heal our relationship, I’ve learned from my mistakes and that a relationship takes two people, not one, to make it work. I’ll always be grateful for the fact he decided to stay and see if we could rekindle the relationship instead of packing his belongings and returning home.
The reason I mention the above story is to show that sometimes, even when you truly don’t think you are, you can become the toxic one in your relationship, whether it be with your significant other, friends or family, it can be you and not them. Somedays, you must sit down and reflect on your actions and you can’t always blame your mental illness for the way you’re acting, I have learned that the hard way. The best advice I can give is that you reflect on your actions, admit your mistakes, and move on in a better direction and with a healthier mindset.
All in all, this year has shown me how strong I truly am in ways that I didn’t think were possible. 2020 has been bad for most of us, but I think some were tested more than others. Even though this year has been extremely hard for me mentally, I’m also thankful for this year because I was given the chance to learn from my mistakes to become a better version of myself.
Some days are always harder than others, but like I always say, life isn’t easy but it’s always worth living.