Month: September 2016

My social etiquette was lacking. Years in the darkness had that effect.

I consider myself fully recovered from mental illness – depression, OCD, and anxiety.

Reflecting back, I knew by the autumn of 2007, I was going to regain my good health. It didn’t take much longer to recognize that l had recovered from 16 years of darkness. To see the brightness of life was overwhelming in the best possible sense.

The four years between my breakdown and recovery were spent in semi-isolation. I interacted with my family, two friends, and my doctors.That was all. Oh, a few online connections too.

Venturing into the world presented certain challenges.

Though healthy, I found myself lacking in certain social skills. Social demeanour had to be re-learned. Now I wasn’t completely inept or ignorant!

I was invited to speak at a mental health conference in my home town. The organizing committee and the conference speakers spend the evening before the conference at dinner. It’s a great idea to help calm one’s nerves and concerns about the conference. It was my first dinner at a restaurant in my home town in six years.

I found myself sitting at the table looking at a full setting – plates, dishes, and cutlery. I wasn’t sure which fork to use first, which plate to use for my bread! There was a time in my life when such dinners were common place. I did figure it all out but for those few moments, I felt out of sorts.

It sounds simple and even petty, and that’s the point, it is. So the fact that I struggled was even more pronounced to myself.

Travelling brought a new set of circumstances. I was invited to volunteer with a Mental Health Commission of Canada project being organized by the Canadian Mental Health Association Manitoba Division. The Project Committee met a few times in different cities across Canada. Our first meeting was held in Winnipeg. I hadn’t flown in years. I asked my sister what was new at the airport. Check in was being completed at a kiosk. I had to read the airline’s site to learn was allowed in carry-on luggage. The security was more stringent. How much do I tip the cab driver? So much to consider.

All new to me! I always had a certain sense of pride that I was a seasoned traveller, but no more.

Making new friends was difficult enough let alone throwing texting into the relationship.

I was late to texting. I couldn’t afford an up to date cell phone until 2013. I learned quickly that cell phones were no longer used to talk. Hearing a voice was rare. Everyone texted. My problem was I didn’t know when the texting conversation ended. I would exchange a few text messages. Then I would read a text and wonder. Do I text again? Would it be too much? Is the other person gone? Not a clue what to do.

Oh and I don’t type very well or very quickly. It would take some time for me to send a text message. I would get a response in seconds that was five times as long as mine. Trying to discuss a matter on which there was a disagreement
, ok, an argument, was the worst. I simply couldn’t keep up.

I still wonder what to do texting ! I have awkward moments when I really don’t know how to respond.

One important change in my life was a job. I had volunteered with the Canadian Mental Health Association Nova Scotia Division for a few years. A position became available and it was offered to me. I hadn’t worked in eight years. Many aspects about returning to a work environment concerned me. This may sound silly, but I did not know what to wear.

As a lawyer, I knew. I had a closet full of white shirts, jackets, and neck ties. I was comfortable wearing a jacket and tie so I stuck to my comfort zone. I was the only one so dressed at the CMHA Offices, but I was felt good! Though I had a few moments of self-doubt and second guessing especially as I sat at meetings with others wearing sweat pants and tee shirts!

With my life becoming more hopeful, happier, and healthier, I was trying new activities that to most were simply common place.

I usually look at life events through the prism of self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. Those three self’s dictate so much in how I think, feel, and dream and thus in what I undertake in daily life. Without those in our minds and hearts, the slightest of challenges can become insurmountable obstacles.

We should always look at others and appreciate that their life context may be different. What is simple and easy for you, may not be for me.

“Don’t think we feel hurt or wounded
Or our egos are showing thru
It’s our world that’s been disrupted
was And our strength reflects from you
Well it’s true
Not Fragile, over you
Try us when you’re getting down
Feelin’ high or just hangin’ round
Not Fragile” Bachman Turner Overdrive (my first rock concert)

This post originally appeared on The Good Men Project, www.goodmenproject.com

I consider myself to be fully recovered from depression. It took years of support, therapy, and my own hard work to arrive at this special place. Here I am – hopeful, healthy, and happy.

What is amiss though?

My past still surfaces. I remember how I behaved, not always properly. I didn’t treat people well. My depression twisting my mind. I made some terrible decisions. Most of the time I understand and accept that it was all caused by depression…but the past picks at me.

I remember the mental pain. I often compare mental and physical pain. I have a reference point.

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when I was 11 years old. I spent two weeks at the Childrens’ Hospital. My teen age years were spent going to weekly physiotherapy, doing sets of specific exercises, and wearing plaster splits from my fingers to my elbow to bed each night. All in the hope of containing my RA. It impacted my hands and legs. But I am fortunate it hasn’t progressed too much all these years, but I still have pain. Standing for long peperiods is painful, writing is difficult as my hands cramp. Even typing isn’t easy, and so I type with one finger.

Knowing both mental and physical pain so well, I can readily conclude that mental pain is more intense and extreme than physical pain. No comparison. To overcome this pain takes time.

Back to the memories. Even now when a dark, sharp memory appears, I hurt.

It’s as if the thought of the old pain creates a new feeling. Though painful it’s not depression. I feel unsettled.I am not talking about self-confidence, self- esteem, or self-worth. I have written about them in previous posts here. I have those on a good path now, though the self-worth still needs some improvement.
It`s not how other people perceive me. It’s rather how I see myself, but with a narrow vision – the past and how it still permeates my mind. Others have accepted me and understand what depression caused. I recognise that as well, but at times I find myself thinking.

Each day, something reminds me of the pain. I need to escape.

Perhaps people with no history of mental illness experience similar pain.

In time, we will see how I feel about myself. I came a long way from years of depression so I fully expect to have that full life without this pain.

Check in next year for an update!

“I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her finger tips
It burned like fire
A burning desire.

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone.

But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.” U2

A Guest Post from Worth Living Ambassador Justine McNeil

Originally posted on Justine’s blog – www.https://jsdaze.wordpress.com

You never know just how quickly things can change until it happens to you. Going into my volunteer trip to India I saw myself as a happy, healthy individual but when I was taken to the ER on my last night there, not being able to move my swollen and extremely painful left leg I had no idea just how drastically my life was about to change.

Returning home and going to doctors’ appointments, it never crossed my mind that my life was about to change; just like everyone else I thought that it was just a small virus or something with a quick and easy fix. So when the pain and symptoms of a still undiagnosed disease continued to get worse after more than a month of being home I started to know, in the back of my mind, that what was happening was not going to go away as quickly as it came. Even still, nothing prepared me for the moment I found out that I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, a chronic pain disorder that is very tricky to treat and has no cure. There had been no predisposing injuries and not warning signs, yet in the blink of an eye I was left unable to walk, in constant pain and with a leg, ankle and foot that would randomly swell and turn blue.

There are still days when I wake up and think that everything that has happened over the past two months has just been a horrible dream but then I try to stand and am brought back to the reality that is my new life. Until now, as I am learning to accept things that I can no longer do, did I realize how much I took the small things for granted. I long to be able to go for a run or even just a hike but the long distances are agonizing even with my crutches, my new best friends, supporting me. There are times when all I want to do is wear jeans but the tight fabric causes even more agonizing pain, and I can’t even think about wearing shoes that touch the top of my foot. So quickly I have had to adapt and learn how to do everyday tasks in a way that is less painful and I constantly find myself frustrated and exhausted from the pain and trying different types of treatment.

Although it is tough and at times I want to quit, I have decided to not let this stop me from living my life to the fullest. Sure, I have to make some adjustments now but I am going to continue to find ways to keep doing the things I love as much as possible, as over the past two months I have learned that you never know when things may change.

This was originally posted on The Good men Project ( www.goodmenproject.com )

“Shattered, shattered
Love and hope and sex and dreams
Are still surviving on the street
Look at me, I’m in tatters!
I’m a shattered
Shattered” Rolling Stones

After years of being shunned, how did I return to feeling like a respected and respectable person.

Last week I wrote about acceptance, rejection, and feeing relevant. One could say it was the start of a discussion on stigma. I often read and hear about stigma. I see people using the word, and with due respect, not everyone appreciates its meaning. I am a firm believer that until you live it, you will not truly understand the impact mental illness and stigma have on people. One can be understanding but not understand it. One can have a perspective but it’s different than someone with lived experience. My family has one, I have another. All are needed for society to address the stigma against mental illness.

When your core group of friends abandons you, you then “get it”. The impact is like having your self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth shattered against a brick wall. This happened to me. I was hurt, angry, sad, and shocked, in no particular order, perhaps all at once.

As I felt the complete loss of support, I was in the midst of weekly therapy. This loss became a deep and ongoing discussion with my doctor. She of course was expecting this discussion.

But at the end, as with many issues in life, it came done to a simple, but gut wrenching decision. Do I want these so-called friends in my life? Do I want to hold on to that anger, that pain? Do I want to dismiss them from my life? To some extent, the friends made the decision, they didn’t want me in their lives. That’s a tough one to accept.

I eventually dismissed them from my mind and heart. I came to learn that doing so was healthy. It gave me the space to then address my own needs and seek friendships with new people who understood and accepted my life.
How did I rebound from such hurt, such abandonment? Simple occurrences were the building blocks to overcoming this harsh treatment.

Last week, I mentioned the positive impact the woman of my dreams had by accepting my depression as a factor in the demise of our relationship.

Let’s look at a few things that to most would not even go noticed.

I wasn’t well enough to work or even leave the house, so I spent a lot of time online. I was looking to better understand my life.

I came to learn many people with mental illness have felt the sting of stigma. It wasn’t me as a person who was rejected. I recognized that people ran from my mental illness, not from me, though the effect was the same. I was able to take some solace.

I was offered a job with the Canadian Mental Health Association. I hadn’t worked in eight years. I needed a bank account as my old ones were dormant since I had no money for a few years. Having a bank account with money deposited was huge! To have a bank teller who I knew but had seen in years, say “ Hello, Keith” was incredible. To be able to cash a pay cheque was overwhelming. I began feeling like a full person. I was not my illness.

I walked into the CMHA Offices as a staff member. Other staff accepted me as a colleague. The Executive Director who hired me sought my advice on a number of issues. I was the Project Manager on a national initiative and had discussions with people across Canada. I got to travel a bit. I met people who accepted me, who respected me. Some even liked me!

My life was starting to come together. I could function in a work place and make new friends. It took my breath at times!

Strangers being kind to me, holding a door open at a shop, helped me feel good. A smile as we passed each other on the street made my day better. Not just for that moment, but for the entire day.

I speak and write , obviously, about my journey through mental illness. When I get invited to present at a conference, it provides a true sense of belonging. In fact I am asked to present because of my mental illness. Now that’s something to recognize ! Receiving comments on my writings makes me feel good.

My mind came undone due to mental illness. Now I celebrate my depression that took so much of my life into darkness. My life is better as a result. It’s all about perspective.

We all have challenges. We all know pain. We also know the joys of life. We must embrace all aspects of our lives. Only then will our lives be worth living.

Socially Awkward in Recovery

My social etiquette was lacking. Years in the darkness had that effect.

I consider myself fully recovered from mental illness – depression, OCD, and anxiety.
Reflecting back, I knew by the autumn of 2007, I was going to regain my good health. It didn’t take much longer to recognize that l had recovered from 16 years of darkness. To see the brightness of life was overwhelming in the best possible sense.

The four years between my breakdown and recovery were spent in semi-isolation. I interacted with my family, two friends, and my doctors.That was all. Oh, a few online connections too.

Venturing into the world presented certain challenges.

Though healthy, I found myself lacking in certain social skills. Social demeanour had to be re-learned. Now I wasn’t completely inept or ignorant!

I was invited to speak at a mental health conference in my home town. The organizing committee and the conference speakers spend the evening before the conference at dinner. It’s a great idea to help calm one’s nerves and concerns about the conference. It was my first dinner at a restaurant in my home town in six years.
I found myself sitting at the table looking at a full setting – plates, dishes, and cutlery. I wasn’t sure which fork to use first, which plate to use for my bread! There was a time in my life when such dinners were common place. I did figure it all out but for those few moments, I felt out of sorts.

It sounds simple and even petty, and that’s the point, it is. So the fact that I struggled was even more pronounced to myself.

Travelling brought a new set of circumstances.

I was invited to volunteer with a Mental Health Commission of Canada project being organized by the Canadian Mental Health Association Manitoba Division. The Project Committee met a few times in different cities across Canada. Our first meeting was held in Winnipeg. I hadn’t flown in years. I asked my sister what was new at the airport. Check in was being completed at a kiosk. I had to read the airline’s site to learn was allowed in carry-on luggage. The security was more stringent. How much do I tip the cab driver? So much to consider.

All new to me! I always had a certain sense of pride that I was a seasoned traveller, but no more.

Making new friends was difficult enough let alone throwing texting into the relationship.

I was late to texting. I couldn’t afford an up to date cell phone until 2013. I learned quickly that cell phones were no longer used to talk. Hearing a voice was rare. Everyone texted. My problem was I didn’t know when the texting conversation ended. I would exchange a few text messages. Then I would read a text and wonder. Do I text again? Would it be too much? Is the other person gone? Not a clue what to do.

Oh and I don’t type very well or very quickly. It would take some time for me to send a text message. I would get a response in seconds that was five times as long as mine. Trying to discuss a matter on which there was a disagreement, ok, an argument, was the worst. I simply couldn’t keep up.

I still wonder what to do texting ! I have awkward moments when I really don’t know how to respond.

One important change in my life was a job. I had volunteered with the Canadian Mental Health Association Nova Scotia Division for a few years. A position became available and it was offered to me. I hadn’t worked in eight years. Many aspects about returning to a work environment concerned me. This may sound silly, but I did not know what to wear.
As a lawyer, I knew. I had a closet full of white shirts, jackets, and neck ties. I was comfortable wearing a jacket and tie so I stuck to my comfort zone. I was the only one so dressed at the CMHA Offices, but I was felt good! Though I had a few moments of self-doubt and second guessing especially as I sat at meetings with others wearing sweat pants and tee shirts!

With my life becoming more hopeful, happier, and healthier, I was trying new activities that to most were simply common place.

I usually look at life events through the prism of self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. Those three self’s dictate so much in how I think, feel, and dream and thus in what I undertake in daily life. Without those in our minds and hearts, the slightest of challenges can become insurmountable obstacles.

We should always look at others and appreciate that their life context may be different. What is simple and easy for you, may not be for me.

“Don’t think we feel hurt or wounded
Or our egos are showing thru
It’s our world that’s been disrupted
And our strength reflects from you
Well it’s true
Not Fragile, over you
Try us when you’re getting down
Feelin’ high or just hangin’ round
Not Fragile” Bachman Turner Overdrive (my first rock concert)