Healthy is wonderful, but what about the other stuff?

This post originally appeared on The Good Men Project,

I consider myself to be fully recovered from depression. It took years of support, therapy, and my own hard work to arrive at this special place. Here I am – hopeful, healthy, and happy.

What is amiss though?

My past still surfaces. I remember how I behaved, not always properly. I didn’t treat people well. My depression twisting my mind. I made some terrible decisions. Most of the time I understand and accept that it was all caused by depression…but the past picks at me.

I remember the mental pain. I often compare mental and physical pain. I have a reference point.

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when I was 11 years old. I spent two weeks at the Childrens’ Hospital. My teen age years were spent going to weekly physiotherapy, doing sets of specific exercises, and wearing plaster splits from my fingers to my elbow to bed each night. All in the hope of containing my RA. It impacted my hands and legs. But I am fortunate it hasn’t progressed too much all these years, but I still have pain. Standing for long peperiods is painful, writing is difficult as my hands cramp. Even typing isn’t easy, and so I type with one finger.

Knowing both mental and physical pain so well, I can readily conclude that mental pain is more intense and extreme than physical pain. No comparison. To overcome this pain takes time.

Back to the memories. Even now when a dark, sharp memory appears, I hurt.

It’s as if the thought of the old pain creates a new feeling. Though painful it’s not depression. I feel unsettled.I am not talking about self-confidence, self- esteem, or self-worth. I have written about them in previous posts here. I have those on a good path now, though the self-worth still needs some improvement.
It`s not how other people perceive me. It’s rather how I see myself, but with a narrow vision – the past and how it still permeates my mind. Others have accepted me and understand what depression caused. I recognise that as well, but at times I find myself thinking.

Each day, something reminds me of the pain. I need to escape.

Perhaps people with no history of mental illness experience similar pain.

In time, we will see how I feel about myself. I came a long way from years of depression so I fully expect to have that full life without this pain.

Check in next year for an update!

“I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her finger tips
It burned like fire
A burning desire.

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone.

But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.” U2

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