Worth Living Ambassador Maizie Montgomery
“Hi! My name is Maizie and I am 20 years old and from Liverpool in England. I am currently studying psychology at university and my goal in life is to help people and raise awareness of mental health issues. I have suffered with depression, self- harm and eating disorders for the past 10 years. Now it’s time to get my life back!”
Caution : This post contains comments about thoughts of suicide
On my blog I have previously written about a time when I was younger when I wanted to end my life. So now I want to talk about the most recent time.
I mean suicidal thoughts are still a part of my life and the little shits do just invite themselves in and have a little party in my mind. But the same as all the other thoughts and demons I face, I have learnt to control them (to an extent).
5th September 2014.
This was my suicide date. I had everything planned perfectly. I had just left sixth form, so my death wouldn’t majorly impact anyone as I didn’t see most people every day anyway. I was meant to go to university but decided not to (the less people I knew the better). I did actually have a job interview a few days earlier but knew I’d messed it up and to be honest, I only went to get people off my back. I still had my best friends and my family which did make me feel so bad as I knew I would hurt them, but I couldn’t see another option. My best friend Katie went to Poland a few days before this date and I remember giving her the biggest hug ever and crying when I left her house. As for my other friends, there was one last big night out into town. It was such a good night and I got a photograph with pretty much everyone I knew. In my head I was doing it so they would have fun happy things to look back at and remember me with. After way too much alcohol and lots of singing and dancing, two other friends and I headed home in a taxi.
So the plan for the next day was to get the bus to my old school, pop in, and see and thank a few teachers who were really there for me, then walk to the nearby park where I had a lethal mixture of medication at the ready. I figured this was the nicest way of doing it as none of my family would have to be the ones who would find me.
So back to the night before, as we dropped one of my friends off first, I give her a hug goodbye and she slipped me a letter and time me she loved me. What the hell was going on?
I got home and read the letter. It is something that I have kept to this day and still cry every time I read it. She had found my secret Twitter account and therefore knew about my suicide plan. I couldn’t believe she had found it. I rang her and we both had a little cry and I said I was so sorry that she was now in this position. The next morning I tried to just not think about the letter and stick to my plan. I said goodbye to my dad and little sister who were in the house and I went and got on the bus. I cried from the second I sat down on the bus.
I wanted to stick to my plan but that letter was just going round and round and round in my head. A minute or so later, my phone rang and when I answered it, it was Tesco telling me I had gotten the job I interviewed for a few days earlier. I jumped up and got off the bus in hysterics. Maybe I could give this whole ‘life’ thing one more shot. Between the guilt of leaving my friend in the position she was in, and the prospect of maybe trying to start over; the plan was scrapped.
This was it. This was my last chance to sort myself out. I didn’t have the energy to try any more. This was the final shot. Maybe, just maybe there was some hope left for me.
Two years later, that was the best decision I have ever made. It is fair to say that that letter saved my life. So to one of my best friends still to this day, Thank You.
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NOTE: If you, a family member, friend, or colleague is experiencing thoughts of suicide or distress, call 911 now.
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