Worth Living Ambassador Becca Shipley
Hi, my name is Becca, I am ‘Worth Living’s’ newest ambassador and I couldn’t be happier to help make a change! But first it’s worth telling you how I got to this point in the first place. I live in a little town in the North of England, but I am hoping that my words reach much, much further! I write a blog over at http://www.postivfworld.wordpress.com where I talk about my life now that our IVF journey has ended, what brought me to this point in the first place, my mental health, my issues with food consumptions, my osteoporosis and generally what life is throwing at me, feel free to take a look or reach out at any time!
This weekend has been an interesting one for me, it has also been exhausting, both physically and mentally!
It’s amazing what can trigger my anxiety and how things can change from on top of the world to hardly being able to breath from anxiety! Things that most people take for granted or even enjoy can make me feel like I am falling into a big black hole!
At home with Hubby is my comfort zone. Where I know he understands how I feel where I can hide from the world and try to feel more positive in times of anxiety! It is also the place, that on the good days, I can run around making jokes doing stupid dance,s and not fear anyone would judge me!
Saying this, we love to have a busy household, people coming for dinner or a cuppa on the weekend. It means a lot to me to have those close to me to feel comfortable here where they can get themselves a cup from the cupboard and make some tea. It makes me feel less like I need to make an effort and more like they are just extended family. That’s not me being lazy, that is me wanting to surround myself with people I know and trust more than anything!
What I am not used to however is someone staying with us for any prolonged period of time. I am a creature of habit (stemming from my control issues) and I have a whole routine at night after work to wind down and prepare for the next day.
Last Wednesday night, I had a friend come to stay from London, she stayed until Sunday night.
I couldn’t wait to see her in the run up to it but in the days just before, I began to feel nervous. What if I can’t do the things I usually would on a week night? What if she gets up before me and wakes the dog? What if she wakes after me and we try to shower at the same time and one of us is late for work?
All sorts of crazy things that ultimately weren’t really problems went through my mind. Even before she arrived, my anxiety levels were through the roof. She is a long distance friend. What if she doesn’t get my anxiety and thinks I am just being silly, I don’t want to be seen as that especially not in my own home. I am used to being able to feel whatever it is I need to at the time when I am in my safe space.
Does it make me selfish that I don’t want to share my safe space?
One (relatively helpful) activity I seem to take up in times of high anxiety is cleaning. So in the days before I blitzed the house more than it really needed on a Monday and Tuesday after work. But at least I had a clean house for my guest. But in that positive line of thought, my little negative brain was there, shouting from the background. By the time she goes it will have been a whole week of non-normality and I started looking forward to the next day so I can do everything I usually do.
It is times like these that I wish I was more ‘normal’. That I wish could just look forward to quality time with an old friend. Instead of wishing it away before it even begun!
Once she was here, we had a wonderful time but in the back of my head I was craving routine and normality. There were times when I was on top of the world and then something small would happen and I would be feeling the complete opposite. I tried my very best to push those feelings down, which in turn didn’t help my mental health! But I don’t think she noticed much. There were times I wanted to just take myself away and take a breather but I felt like I couldn’t.
Looking back now, I think I would have enjoyed it all more if I had done thi, but hindsight is a wonderful thing!
It sometimes baffles me how I got to this point. How I became so complex. Once upon a time, nearly a week with a friend would have made for the best memories. But now it is tainted by my anxiety, a part of me I can’t control.
Has anyone reading this ever struggled in this way? Do you have to force yourself to be outside your own comfort zone because in normal ‘society’ it is perfectly normal?