Worth Living Ambassador Jessie Fawcett
Hello, my name is Jessie and I’m a first-year student attending Ryerson University to obtain a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work. I am dedicated to being able to work in a juvenile detention centre in order to help aid youths who are struggling with their own lives. Mental health has always had a huge impact on my life and I’m finally starting to be able to share my story in hopes to help others who are also struggling with the same issues as well as shedding some light onto mental health.
The Beauty of the World
I sit here on a boulder which lies on the outside of the train bridge. I listen to the flow of the water rushing beneath me. I admire the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. The cool wind breezes through me just as so many words breeze through my mind.
There was a time where the beauty of the world escaped me. All that I could see was darkness and misery. I was utterly consumed by it. The world seemed like an atrocity, similarly like myself. I could not appreciate the beauty that the world has to offer. However, it’s different now. I am able to breathe-in the environment that surrounds me. I listen to the peaceful whirring of the water and watch how the current makes the river flow in all different directions. I admire the clear blue sky as the sun gazes upon me. I’m soaking in as much of the sun as I can in hopes of lifting my levels of serotonin. The warmth of it caresses my body with tenderness. There is no other feeling like it. I look upon the shores and see the trees all around me. They’re beautiful now, but they are even more so in autumn. The leaves are even more mesmerizing at that time when they reflect the beauty of nature. Even the smell of the forest that surrounds me is oh so uplifting. I try to breathe in as much fresh air as possible in hopes to capture as much positivity as I can. I could sit here for hours just soaking it all in. I cling to it as much as I can. Yet, this is not my favourite part of the world. The night sky is definitely the most beautiful part or the it, in my opinion. It is, in its entirety, mesmerizing as well. There is something about the stars that give me hope. They always shimmer with beauty and no matter what, the night sky is never the same. The stars shoot, they glow, they twinkle, and they grow. It also reminds me that when the earth is dealing with a storm, it casts a shadow among its beauty too. But it only lasts for a little while. It’s temporary because all storms must come to an end.
Although, what does this have to do in regard to depression? Let me clarify; depression steals every glimpse of happiness that a person has. It blinds us from the beauty of the world. We can’t feel the wind hit against the trees and into our souls. Wanting to go outside and soak in the sun through our pores seems impossible. Smiles that are supposed to be caused by the clear blue skies are nonexistent. The stars don’t shine as bright, they don’t shoot as far, and they don’t appear as beautiful. But in order to lift the depression, it is crucial to retrieve the light; in order to find the beauty in things that once made you genuinely smile, that once made you happy.
This is the message that I wish to pass on to those of you who have yet to find your light. It’s still there, don’t ever forget that. You just need to recover the things that made you notice the light in the first place. Go to places that once made you happy. Remind yourself why you’re still here. Find peace in the things that you cannot control. Learn to laugh at your faults and learn to accept what you have no power to change. I thought that everything about the world was ugly and that nothing would ever change. I’m not sure what really flipped the switch for me to realise that that wasn’t at all true. It’s something that you need to develop and realise on your own. I suggest starting with the little things, like thinking of what your favourite smells are and then going places to find them (more specifically about the outdoors if that is what interests you). What kind of views make you smile? If you enjoy sunsets, go watch them set. Where could you spend hours without getting tired of being there? Even if it isn’t your favourite thing to go outside, at least make an attempt . You would be surprised at how much soaking in the sun is able to lift your mood.
In the past year, I have learned a lot about myself including how to find myself again. I’ve noticed that I don’t doubt myself quite as much as I did before. I don’t contemplate numbing nor ending the pain as much as I did before. I noticed that I don’t hold myself back as much anymore and I’m finally open to trying new things and having the willingness to want to have new experiences. I have learned that it is completely okay to ask for help. I have learned that I am not alone in this god forsaken battle anymore. I was able to find myself again by seeking help and grasping onto my friends as well as making new ones who face the same struggles as I do. I am still living with depression, it is not a dirty word. But, I am working extremely hard to fight the darkness and find more of the light. After nearly six long years of pain I am finally able to see the beautiful things that the world has to offer.
The darkness is still a part of me and I’m uncertain if it will ever leave me completely. However, it no longer consumes me and I’ll be damned to let the depression beat me.