Healing Is Not Linear

Worth Living Ambassador Jessica Rodarte

Hi world! My name is Jessica Rodarte. I’m just a normal 24-year-old discovering my purpose in life. I am currently on the pursuit of happiness after being diagnosed with a mental illness earlier this year.  I’ve overcome many obstacles throughout this journey by turning my negative into a positive for others.

My life completely changed when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year. Going to therapy, starting antidepressants, and learning how to live again became my main focus. I had to adapt to my new normal. It was hard the first couple of months, but eventually I adjusted. Therapy was helping tremendously, but finding the right medication for my body took some time. After trial and error with three different medications, I finally found one that worked (or so I thought).

I am currently experiencing a relapse with my depression and anxiety. It is very hard to understand. I have been on the same medication since mid-November and believed it was helping me with my recovery. Life was going great; everything was falling into place. I was finally taking back my life and showing my depression who’s boss. I did not think relapse was possible for me.

When I was first diagnosed, I was oblivious to all the symptoms I was experiencing. Loss of appetite, too much sleep/lack of sleep, irritability, social withdrawal, fatigue, and being in a daze were just some of my symptoms. Once I was aware of my mental state, it all made sense. Unfortunately, for the past few months I was again oblivious to what was happening to me. I was slowly going back into the deep, dark hole of depression I thought I had survived.
I have many emotions about my relapse. I feel stupid, embarrassed, and ashamed for not realizing my mental and physical health was once again declining. How could I not recognize the signs? I thought I had everything under control! So once again, here I am trying to understand why this is happening to me. I was on a great road to recovery, what happened? I guess deep down I knew something was wrong, but I just didn’t want to face it. I failed at my recovery.

So here I am back to square one. Do I change my medication again? Do I start going back to therapy every week? WHAT DO I DO? I honestly HATE being on medication, I just want to be done with it. I need medication to be “normal”, I need medication to sleep; it makes me feel pathetic. I don’t remember the last time I was able to sleep through the night on my own. When I sit back and realize how my life has changed over the past year, it amazes me. Will I ever be okay?

So here I am back in the crossroads of recovery. As hard as it is for me right now, I have to keep going. I have to keep fighting! I can’t let depression get the best of me again. I have worked too damn hard to give up. I came across this saying, “Healing is Not Linear” and it couldn’t be more true. Healing is unpredictable. I took 100 steps forward toward my recovery and now I am 50 steps back. I have to embrace the healing process. With this new understanding that healing is not linear, I am ready to take on round two of my battle with depression and anxiety.

You can follow my personal blog at http://Beeing Less

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