Worth Living Ambassador Paige McKinnon
Paige, 20 years old from Scotland! A trainee mental health nurse with a passion for people and making a change. Weird, Wacky and Wonderful!
Caution: Paige mentions suicide
Change Is Coming
Hello, I’m Paige’s mental illness and I’m going to be speaking on her behalf today. You see, I’ve drained her and made her feel like she can’t go on. I don’t think I’ll be here for long, she has kicked my ass on several occasions. Despite this, I will not go away. I am a part of her, a part of who she is but I am not all she is. I’d love nothing more than for Paige to let me take over her life, she is stronger than I. Everyone who has encountered me is stronger than I am but they don’t always know it. World domination is what I thrive for, many times in my existence I have accomplished this. I have taken lives and I have hurt millions but nobody batted an eyelid. They didn’t say anything, they didn’t do anything and they were so scared. A lot of people didn’t believe I existed which made it much easier for me. I turned family members against family members, I turned friends into strangers and I turned strong individuals into nothing but shells of who they once were.
Fast forward to 2017, everyone is banding together. I’m losing my grip but I won’t be going anywhere. Mark my words I will fight. Oh no, she’s coming! Mental illness is my name. I come in many forms, you will not always see me but I will make you wish you were never born. I’m coming for you!
‘Excuse me? Get out of here.’ Oh hi guys, I’m Paige!! I started this blog differently because there are two parts of me I wanted to share. There is me and then there is my mental illness. It almost felt like someone was talking about me huh? Nobody was. It was me, I wrote that. I’ve been riding one rocky rollercoaster the past few months and it did take its toll. It had me thinking, I fight every day to make a difference to my life and others.
Why do I feel so miserable? Why do I feel alone? Most importantly why do I feel like my life has no meaning? I sat in the corner of my bedroom on the floor many times, staring at a blank wall. Replaying every bad memory in my mind, I was the star of my own show. I was torturing myself because that’s what we do, isn’t it? We blame ourselves for everything that has ever gone wrong. We blame ourselves for the lives that were lost and we couldn’t save. The hurt people felt their scars, their wounds we blame ourselves. It could have had nothing to do with you and that voice, that voice in the back of your mind could have convinced you otherwise. I’m here to tell you, it’s NOT your fault.
Mental illnesses have become somewhat of a ‘trend’ the past few years. Leaving us individuals who truly suffer, back in the dark. People used it as an excuse to cover up their evil acts of hatred. We are not evil people and we are not any different from the rest of the human race. I have had my heart ripped out and stood on many times before, because of my mental illness. Admitting how vulnerable I was. Attracted the attention of small minded humans. I was truly suffering but because of my social status growing up, nobody believed me. I was the attention seeker, the bully and the liar. In actual fact, I was the girl who fell under the spell of substance abuse to block my mind. I was the girl who felt brave enough to confide in people who I thought were my friends, only to have them laugh at me and call me crazy. I was the girl who spoke nothing but the truth, everyone believed the liar. That’s just it! It’s so much easier to believe lies than to believe the harsh truth.
In today’s society too many people live in a bubble that they believe will keep them safe. It won’t, it will trap you in. You will be trapped inside your own head and you will eventually drown. We don’t deserve this, we don’t deserve to be social outcasts, to feel like nobody will ever love us and to feel like our lives mean nothing. It’s NOT true. It will never be true because mental illness is just a part of our lives. It’s our decision to make if it becomes our life.
I will believe anyone who says to me ‘Paige? I want change. I want to live and I want to kick my mental illness’ ass’ and I will stand beside them. I will make sure they know they are not alone. If you can help one person a day, every day for the year? That’s 365 people you have helped. We cannot just assume someone is lying or not telling the whole truth. They could be telling us their truth, which will always be different from ours. It shouldn’t matter! Everyone suffers differently but everyone deserves help. Resources are limited, knowledge is not. It does not make you weak to stand out and speak. It does not make you any less ‘cool’ to confront someone who is bullying someone else for feeling low. It makes us god damn human.
You cannot put a limit on knowledge. We need to spread it, we need to spread the knowledge of mental illness and make those aware who don’t live with it. What it’s truly like. Through the tears, the suicide attempts, the agony and right down to those letters you wrote for your loved ones. Those letters saying goodbye, that you will always love them. These are all a part of a lot of people’s lives, end the stigma. End the stigma before it ends someone else’s life. We are not alone and we are never going to be alone.
I’m Paige, I have survived suicide attempts, self -harm and I live with Bipolar Disorder, depression and anxiety. I’m a lot of people’s friend, I’m a daughter, a niece, a cousin and a little sister and a big sister and I’m a fighter. Change is coming, it may be slow but it will create the biggest impact when it hits. We got this. Much love to you all.