Worth Living Ambassador Michael Mousseau
My name is Mike and I’m 24. I have a career in correction services. I have confronted depression and anxiety the majority of my life. I’ve never been truly shy about my struggles, but it’s also hard to find the words to explain the struggles within your head. So let’s take a trip into my world.
Caution : Mike discusses suicide
Progress is Not Always Linear
I’m usually the first person to tell my friends “progress isn’t linear.” “You’ll be alright.” “It’ll get better” But when it comes my own progress, as soon as I feel off track, I’m a mess.
Twice in the last month, I’ve had trouble sleeping. Not just tossing and turning for hours, but being teased by sleeping 2 or 3 hours, then being up for another 2, then falling asleep for an hour or so only to wake up with my mind racing and repeat the cycle until I feel too afraid to close my eyes again. For me, my anxiety spikes when I’m tired. So the vicious cycle is never ending.
This time though, I think I’ve found a new trigger for my anxiety. Death. I knew after Alan died that death made me anxious. Realizing somebody so close to me was struggling before a freak accident, somehow put the idea in my head that because I was struggling, I would soon die too.
This time, a celebrity death. Not a freak accident, or stereotypical OD, But a suicide. And this suicide claimed the life of a musician that I looked up to as an adolescent.
Further research informed me that I related to Chester’s abuse history. Again, the intrusive dark thought process begins.
“Will my past haunt me to the point of suicide?” “Is this my fate as well?”
“Is death the only way these thoughts and feelings will end?”
Being alone with my thoughts isn’t an easy task. I’m stubborn as fuck in the outside world, so being just as stubborn internally makes battling MI so much more difficult. Since a child, I always saw a life for myself. Travel, marriage, kids, adventure. I never once saw myself succumbing to such an ailment. I still don’t.
I know I can be happy. I’ve been before. I still have my days. I’m a much more enjoyable person when I’m confident in my ability to function as a normal human. So struggling and losing all of my self- confidence takes a toll on so many aspects of my everyday life.
I may not feel better tomorrow or next week. That being said, I may very well feel better tomorrow. All I know is that I’m not giving up. Not now. Not ever.
To quote another famous musician with a damning past: “Nothing on this planet is worth ending your life for. Because everything after this is amazing”